I would like to address myself to people who feel that there is something “off” about ordinary, conventional social life. If you feel completely comfortable socially and feel that you are happy with your relationships to others, then this article is not for you. You are encouraged to stop reading now.

If, however, you are having problems – maybe you are uncomfortable with other people or with standard social life – then I have some things to say to you. You are not alone, although it may seem that way. There are others who sense that something is badly wrong, but most of them are intimidated into keeping quiet about it. I want to take the lid off of this suppression and talk openly about things you may be sensing but have been unable to put into words. The details may be slightly different from one country or culture to another, but the deep structure is pretty much the same everywhere.

Standard social life is an elaborate pretense! It’s all about projecting the “correct” image. But why? People feel and are taught from an early age that their natural, authentic selves and behavior is not enough – is incorrect or wrong somehow. Now, I know that children are wayward and need some disciple and training, but the way it’s done ends up giving us a false sense of identity.

Here are some examples of what parents and caregivers say to young children. “What’s wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you? Why can’t you do right? You are doing this to upset me! Why can’t you be more like X? Will you ever learn? Don’t ever say that again! Don’t be a crybaby (mostly to boys)! You are contrary! Why are you being stubborn? How can you be so stupid? What will the neighbors say? You’ve got to get with the program or people won’t like you! Sit up straight! Comb your hair! Don’t talk back to your elders! You’ll do it because I said so! Wipe that stupid grin off your face! Etc. al.

This kind of treatment day after day for four or five years forces most children to abandon their natural, spontaneous, real selves and causes them to adopt a false sense of identity. The mind splits and a critical superego forms whose job it is to tell the person when they are doing or about to do “wrong.” The voice of the critical parent is internalized and developmental psychologists say that by the age of seven the process is complete and the child is said to be socialized. This faulty process is repeated generation after generation.

One of the biggest problems is the fact that the mind that is trying to control and the mind that is to be controlled are the same mind on the same level. It’s a perpetual fruitless struggle and conflict like playing chess with yourself. Humanity-at-large has not noticed this fact. Because of this fundamental conflict, all our attempts at self-improvement are doomed to fail. All it really does is create a mind that is unhappy because it feels it is never good enough and can never really succeed in being like it wants to be.

But we were told by our seemingly godlike parents that we had to be “good” in order to be loved and accepted. We really want to be loved and accepted, so we seemingly have no choice but to keep trying, in the only way we know how, to make ourselves acceptable and presentable. Few people realize why their self-improvement project doesn’t work. So the only thing they know to do is to try harder at the same fruitless process they were taught as children.

Since they can’t really become the ideal person that their parents and superego want, and since they believe it’s essential that they become that ideal person in order to be loved and accepted, the only choice open to them is pretense and hypocrisy. They create a social facade and image that appears to be perfect and happy. This is the genesis of all the falseness and pretense in society.

Although it can be far from easy, the solution to this mess is to give up the self-improvement project. Seeing that it is futile is the first step. Seeing this may require suffering and being frustrated for a long time. It requires a great deal of awareness. The false identity, once it gets control of the psyche in childhood, defends itself with everything it has. It feels that to stop the self-improvement project and self-blame would be death to it, and this is actually the truth. The good news is that the false self was never actually real to begin with. It’s death is not a real loss except the loss of all our suffering. In most cases, the suffering has to become so intense that the false self system gives up and ceases to try to control. When that happens the center of gravity of the psyche returns to the natural, spontaneous self which is real.

The process of healing is the process of surrendering to What Is – both in ourselves and in the world. No matter what happens, if we say, “Thank you very much; I have no complaints,” and mean it, the false self is breached because the false self is the process of resisting What Is. It’s actually futile to rebel against what is already the case. Our resistance can’t undo what has already happened. Our worry can’t prevent the things we fear in the future. When we deeply see this, we can begin to dissolve our resistances and with them the false self-system that creates all our suffering.